revelations: a tell all.

week 2... down.

Even though it was only 7 days, it seemed like 7 weeks. no kidding.

I can barely remember everything that happened.

My life is consumed with hand washing, Neenee would be proud, dirty dishes and hot glue guns.

Its wonderful.

This week was such a roller coaster.

Looking back I was fully of energy one moment, then completely exhausted with aching feet the next.

I should really invest in getting new shoes.

The Toms I've been wearing now have a hole in the bottom of the sole...

so when I walk there is some definite foot on asphalt action.

The kids are silly.

I kind of forgot just how simple yet complicated 6th and 7th graders are.

Let my clarify.... these are kids who just finished 5th grade and 6th grade and who are moving into 6th and 7th grade.

My friend Whitney, who works on the High Ropes course, has had some pretty interesting questions from our beloved campers

camper: "Are these trees real?"

Whitney: "yes. you're in a forrest"

camper: "Do you have to have a license to drive the horses here?"

camper: "my horse is broken"

Maybe its the jr high sense of humor that I have developed.... Maybe thats just really funny. Who knows?

For me personally, this week was really tough.

My job here is kind of unlike anything I've ever done.

I mean... I've done gross kitchen work before, but never on this level.

It seriously is a humbling experience.

I constantly have to remind myself

"I prayed for this. I need humility. I prayed for this."

This prayer especially runs through my head when there is garbage juice running down my leg when I take the trash out.

This is a season for me.

A season to learn to serve others, to learn how to lose myself, how to wait upon the Lord, how be comfortable in uncomfortable situations.

This past Thursday, after a long day of good ole hard work, it was time for our worship service.

We were singing "Give us Clean Hands" which is such a lovely and powerful song. I made it through that one, but over the next few songs, I was openly weeping on the floor.

All of these feelings and thoughts of inadequacy and me not living up to my potential and questioning why I was here at PC crawled into my mind and took over.

I went outside to pray to not make a scene.

I just sat there begging the Lord to make everything stop.

In one day I had lost the vision of the ministry I am a part of

lost my identity

wanted to go home

got really defensive over why I wasn't getting to do what I love to do

was angry at the world

thought I was better than where I was working

forgotten all that I had learned about service and humility.

old feelings and pains were brought up from the past.

thats a lot to suddenly deal with, well for me at least.

So I spent the next day kind of moping around with no purpose.

I knew that I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything out loud.

Then I realize that I wont allow anyone else to bear my burdens out of fear of getting on someones nerves or them judging me.

thats wrong.

Im not sure when I became to closed.

I went to church on Saturday evening.

It was so refreshing.

I walked into the auditorium and the presence of the Lord was there.

He was there.

I stood to worship and was overwhelmed with how powerful the Lord was.

"If you feel lost

If you feel tired

This is your song"

It was my song.

I was amazed at how quickly I was worn down and weary.

One of the big things we say as a staff is "rely on the Lord's strength and not your own"

I hadnt been doing that. Im still not exactly sure what it looks like.

the pastor came out of John 12 and Luke 9.

He spoke of losing yourself.

Lose Your Life.

I was holding onto mine.

Holding onto making JJ happy.

Complaining when JJ didnt get to do what she wanted.

"foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." --- serving and following the Lord means that its uncomfortable and there is no security of home. We have to lose what is comfortable.

For me, its uncomfortable to stand up washing dishes and my back aches from mopping the floor and deep cleaning the kitchen.

He then spoke of finding our identity in Christ.

My identity was the girl who sings, is loud, and who will get up in front of people and perform.

It wasnt a daughter of the King.

Im not there yet. Im working on it.

I was talking with my friend Sarah after the service. She and I stood for just a few minutes and shared our burdens with one another.

I finally found words to describe my internal pain.

"The Lord is shredding everything that is inside of me"

"He does that so He can put you back together to be better"

"I want to be better. This sucks. "

so there. it was a big weekend.

Im ready for the new challenges of this week.

I know what is coming.

How to deal:

Choose Jesus every day.

Choose to not complain.

Choose to be dirty and wet. and love it.